The Obnoxious Sportswriter #2 (Spygate & Spurs Brady & Bellicheating)

Greetings, what is up. Don’t answer I don’t actually care. That’s just the way I introduce myself, and if you androids don’t know by now, you may never, never know. So typical. Anyway, I’m here to talk, and you’re here to listen. So do your job correctly for once, and of course, my job is guaranteed (to be well done).

I’m about to talk, which means you’re about to not. Today, I want to hit a topic that’s been used and abused, like the childhood of most of you androids. I want to give you my take on “spygate (dun dun dun).” Settle down anrdoids, before I get into it, I want to let you know that you are not Tom Brady. You could not have done what the patriots did (win. At anything) even if you had a thousand video cameras in high definition, encircling the field and updating in real time, with laser vision and millisecond analysis.

With superpowers, you androids would have found it difficult to do anything. That’s just the way you are. So don’t look at Brady, and don’t even think about looking at me, just read, if you can. It’s not my fault you’re like this. Life is not Madden NFL football, and all your trophies, and android achievements in that android game, are android fakes of the real deal, cheap android imitations of the ones I have in my palatial estate. Guess what. They’re real. Guess what. Your’s aren’t. I’ll give you a five second break to go cry.

Anyways, I was sitting in my palatial bedroom, well, one of my palatial bedrooms, watching the worldwide leader (in sports. That’s Espn to you androids, I don’t know why I always have to explain myself with you people, but it’s getting really old). So while I was watching the worldwide leader, I noticed these comments from one “Tom Brady.” This Brady had this to say:

I wish people would try to study a game and focus their energy on trying to analyze the games better, rather than stuff that’s not important, like this whole camera stuff. I think it’s a way to sell newspapers and all those ESPN stations, they’ve got to fill the airwaves, too. Hopefully, we can move past it…I think it’s just kind of the environment right now,” Brady said. “I think that’s the way guys make it. They say the craziest things. That’s what ESPN has become. ESPN, to me, is like MTV without the videos. They just have highlights, instead.

Very funny Brady. But seriously though, that’s hilarious “Tom,” if that’s even your real name. Sorry buddy, but this stuff is important, because I do it. I do it, so therefore, it’s huge, it’s bigger than anything anyone has ever done. It has to be important. But you know what’s not important? Your 19 and 0 season, “Tom.” Wait, you droids and androids out there might ask, “What 19 and 0 season are you taking about J.August?” Well that’s just the thing droids and androids. That 19 and 0 season never happened. (The Patriots won 18 consecutive games to start the season, only to lose a bunch of ragtag “Giants,” in the final game of their season, the only one that really mattered. Where were the cameras then Tommy) You just don’t have the wit to decipher what I’m saying quickly enough. That word “decipher” is number 25 on the list of things people with brains say (the list I gave you).

But anyway, who cares, “Brady,” is right. He and his buddy Bill Bellicheat are normal human beings, not androids like you androids. Sometimes, they get the urge to cheat (well actually not sometimes, more like every week over the course of six years, but really, what’s six years amongst friends) and they take it. Unlike you androids, they actually did it well enough that nobody cared, at least, nobody knew. It doesn’t matter anyway, the camera thing was probably an honest mistake. So droids, stop asking me about it. Stop blowing up my inbox with your stupid responses. Stop calling my radio show and my highly rated award winning t.v. show, and my podcast, and my blog, and every other medium that carries my high level stuff to droid-town. That goes for you too, androids. Nobody cares. If you think life is fair then you only need to look at yours. Also, don’t think about calling me and asking why I put “Tom” and “Brady” in quotation marks. I’ll tell you right now to save us both some time (but really me since I’m the one who needs it more). I don’t really know who the guy is. I’m not a beat writer. I’m not a regular “columnist.” With great power (like mine) comes interns to dump responsibilities on. As a result I’m actually not as well versed on the sports universe as some of you androids assume I am, though really, keep on assuming. It’s served you androids well up to this point. Right?

Oh by, the way, Billy, I’m sure the time when your team got smacked around by an “inferior” team in that thing called the “Super Bowl” is available on, you guessed it, videotape. Though, it’s not the spy type stuff you’re used to, you’ll have to excuse that. Go out and get your copy bub, they’re selling like hotcakes.

Whatever. I was watching basketball on my 200 inch 3-d cinematic hydro-vision projector 5000 (that should come to droidville and android town on about the 5th of never), and I saw a game between the San Antonio Spurs and the New Orleans Hornets. Now I am not a daily or weekly (weekly means weakly, remember that one androids, use it on your “friends,” when you get the chance. But don’t force it, you’ll look stupid, and you can’t really afford that) columnist like some of these lesser sportswriters. (Stop trying to be me, lesser sportswriters, your low level, daily and weakly, stuff will stop mattering in 5, 4, 3, 2…..what did you say again?). I don’t talk about daily or weakly stuff, it’s just too small for me.

What do I talk about, well you androids know by now, I attack the big picture, androids, you dig? (that’s not a question as to whether you androids actually dig. I already know that you live underground, that’s not the point. When somebody asks you that, what you say is “yeah sir, I dig it. I can definitely dig that, since you said it August.) So what’s the big picture, you ask? (you ask since you can’t use your brain to think ahead), the big picture is this: The San Antonio Spurs could finally lose in this year’s playoff series, and for the rest of eternity. Yes! The prospect of that was so exciting, I used an exclamation point. I speak for the world (really it’s cool, it said I could), when I say that nobody likes the San Antonio Spurs, and if they finally lose, it would be great. Just great. So I am predicting a loss, and that, is this week’s (that’s a trick to see if you are paying attention. I don’t do weeks. I’m timeless). and that, is this moment in eternity’s

BOLD PReDICTION: dun dun dun.

Wait. What did you say, you said the spurs have lost already? You say they have never even won consecutive titles? Who told you to say that droid? I know for a fact, that you don’t know what that word “consecutive” means. Whatever. Anyway, the past doesn’t matter, and if you androids didn’t live in it so much, you would matter.

What else can I talk about in this moment in eternity before I retire (that means leave, not for good, don’t get sad) to my palatial heated indoor swimming pool. Alright, I guess I’ll talk about… oh yeah.

Stop it anroids. Stop. Stop stop stop. I know, I know. The bold prediction was not correct last time. You’re missing the point: a)You’re just an android b)Nobody cares c)It’s just horse racing, it’s stupid, nobody watches it.

And personally, I don’t care if you lost money, because I told you not to bet, betting is bad, and all the degenerates who bet and are calling looking for sympathy will not get it from me. I don’t do sympathy, I do success.

So stop. Stop. Stop blowing up my inbox with your stupid responses. Stop calling my radio show and my highly rated award winning t.v. show, and my podcast, and my blog, and every other medium that carries my high level stuff to droid-town. You don’t matter, I do. I will continue to make bold predictions, and in my world, I will be correct. Which, in case you don’t know, I always am. Because once again, I’m John August. And you are…well…I think you know by now.