Be Racist, I’m Bored (#2, The Middle Passage)

But who is the greatest African American ever? Who is this magical negro? Tough question for a honkie. I know there’s so many of us to choose from, but I and a team of high powered analysts who just so happen to be stars of their college communities, or as you call them, “community colleges,” have an answer. Anyway I and these analysts came to this conclusion the greatest African Americans are: Sacagewea (long story), Jesus (dont argue honkie), Fat Albert, Tupac, and I. Naturally Jesus would win, but he told me to go ahead and take this one. I hear from him, you honkies can’t because you’re fake Christians. That being said, it is only right to bestow the graces of reparations upon the greatest living African American which is me. I do not say this tooting, in any manner, my own horn I am simply stating what the research of fine scholars proves, but before you crackers start signing checks, hold your pens. In order to understand the reasoning behind the pen holding, I will bless you with an anecdote of a recent happening. On the Friday before the one coming, I drove to the Salon and inside I went to put my hair in a state of relaxation (that’s a perm cracker). As always I parked the shiny Bentley In front of the salon so that black elegance could stare at black elegance while getting more black and elegant. So what do I see as Boniqua starts to shampoo my gorgeous locks? A damn wetback giving me a ticket, some noisy nonsense about me parking on a bus stop in front of a hydrant. As the Lord Jesus Christ liveth, before whom I stand, I went out there and I gave that spick some hell. Saint Maria couldn’t deliver him from all that, but then that poncho wrote more tickets, but I’ll tell you honkies what I told that beaner: “I’m rich.” You wanna know why I said it? I said it because it’s true, I said it because I have money and lots of it, after all I am a head of a not for profit organization called a church. With that being said I really don’t need your money, what I need is what you whities can do for me that I can’t do myself: Spread a little bigotry.

Another thing about you hicks is your lack of creative ability. You are reading this letter right now, asking President Sharpton (you can start calling me that now to get used to it) how to go about creating racism for his glorious endeavors. Well honky as always, a black man has your ass covered. There are many ways you can go about bigotrizing. The easiest, and I believe most efficient way would be to say the “n-word,” (yes, that one).” Yes cracker, you are given permission say it. I’m sure you’re thinking, do I have to be near an African-american to say it? The answer, honkie, is no you don’t. That’s the beauty of this magic word, you can say it anywhere, and you will get an immediate response. What you need to understand is that saying this “n-word” creates a buildup. The mercury rises to the mellifluous sounds of this “n-word,” as your ass whooping commences. The kind of atmospheric tension I need for my sensitive operations, rises from this “n-word.” You see this word has mystical properties. It creates a time machine with African-Americans and hillbillies returning to a day where whites were better than the best race on Earth. Fortunately, now, there is always an African-American nearby to snap your white ass back to reality. But fret not my Caucasian cousin, (I say cousin because there’s this theory archaeological people are throwing around, though I highly dispute it, that all human beings come from Africa, which means, some way some how, you honkies are related to me, don’t get excited, it’s just theory). Before I told you about your relation to me I spoke of a great beating you would receive. What is important cracker is to know what this beating will lead to: An officer will come, the case will go to court, and news channels will report the incident, completely ignoring the fact that your ass was indeed whooped. And if the news can forget your ass whooping, so should you. As a direct result of your pain, a greater good will be brought about: I will race to the scene of the incident, I will report fervently on the case, and my face will be broadcasted all over the country. Justice will be demanded, and justice will be served.