Be Racist, I’m Bored (#1, The African Colony)

Look at Me when I talk to you Honky

Dear Honkies

I am quite certain that you understand the present predicament we are in. Watch a news channel, turn to a radio station, open up a web page: I’m not there. Now I understand you people are quite busy at present times, bed bath and beyond is having a sale and there’s a Paul McCartney concert going on somewhere. I know none of you would deny the interdependent relationship we have, you give me my deserved airtime and I give you access to my people. This relationship I would say personally is the pillar that holds America. I am something; I would like to say, without tooting my own horn, that I’m like the Berlin Wall of America except with a little window so you can talk to the other side when you feel like it. But it seems to me that you have forgotten our arrangement. For the past 4 months there hasn’t been one single racist action on your part. I run to my dictionary to find a word to describe this: Unacceptable, Unbelievable, and Unfair. None of these words suffice, Unproper I think is fitting.

Now it would be very easy for me to insult you powder white, skin cancer getting, tofu eating, light liquor drinking, crackas but my older brother Martin Luther King taught me to do better than that, you might have heard of him. Tall, short hair, and he had this speech about dreams you might know, I wrote that. How can it be that you disgusting whites, who harbor such hate of other races such as: spicks, chinks, curry lovers, and African- Americans can hold your hate at bay. I know it’s there, so just let it out.

Now I been around whites and I know you people can be shy and I know what you’re thinking, “we might hurt someone’s feelings if we do something racist.” You couldn’t be more wrong, you see my people adore me. At first they might have the usual reactions: complaining and rioting and what have you, but later when they see what your racist action has brought about, they will appreciate your actions and even express their gratitude (though in much more different and subtle forms than you are accustomed to). Take Don Imus for example, Don Imus said something racist about the greatest race on earth. At first people were upset at what he said, but then I took over the situation, and used my tact and eloquence to resolve the situation, helping Imus get some much needed vacation time. I will send him a letter requesting a thank you tomorrow.

Now I didn’t want to bring up this next topic but you whites are damn stubborn, I know this because I am a studier of historic events that happened, and history alludes to the fact that you: whites, are indeed stubborn. The topic that I had alluded to earlier about not wanting to bring up is this: (see I actually bring it up because I am not shy like you whites; another one of your many many faults.) The topic is Slavery. My ancestors suffered immensely because of you white people, they were worked to the bone, fed bones, and beaten with sticks and stones, and don’t you dare deny it stubborn white man, I saw roots…twice. Considering this, I think you’d agree, despite your previously stated stubbornness that you should make right your transgression, and you can do this with reparations. This perhaps may not be the first time you’ve heard this word, for I am sure many of your people own dictionaries much like my own, and command vocabularies similar (but not equal) to mine. Though you may understand the meaning of the word I’m not quite sure you understand the word. What reparation means is to repair damage you have done to a certain race of people, like maybe perhaps the greatest race of people on earth maybe, by doing something good for their descendants. But wait, dictionary definitions are not always correct, exactly. The definition I gave you for reparations is what my dictionary says, but I know it’s wrong (I wonder why). Financially you honkies are quite healthy, but it wouldn’t be fair to ask you to give money to every African American in this country who has suffered from your enslaving ways. So there really is only one solution, instead of giving reparations to all African-Americans, give them to one, the greatest African American ever.